I’m really struggling to write.  I have lots of things I want to write about but trying to get them out of my head is a nightmare.

I have dyslexia and find getting things out of my head, whether it be vocal or written, extremely difficult and almost painful.  I get frustrated that the words don’t just flow out of me in comprehensive fashion and that without spending about an hour to write a couple of paragraphs people would need a translator to understand me.  Telling people verbally is slightly easier for me but I still find by the time I’ve thought out what I want to say in a way people would understand I’ve missed the conversation.  So instead you just blunder in make a fool of yourself and people think your stupid.  I find myself saying more and more as I get older ‘I do have a brain’.

Oh the joys of a judgemental society.DSC_1448



what is being healthy?  Is it what your BMI is or how you feel?

To me it’s how you feel … within reason of course because nothing is ever simple.  For the first time in my life I am classed as morbidly obese.  After taking anti-depressants, which sadly for me made me gain weight, giving up alcohol and smoking the weight has piled on over the past couple of years, especially the past couple of months.

But I had light bulb moment a couple of weeks ago … I’m fat and unhealthy and need to do something about it.  So for the first time in my life I’m eating healthy.  I’ve never had to before with working with horses, and for the first time since I fractured and damaged my hip in a riding accident I’m running again.  I use the term running loosely, It’s more like an elephant trying to run on two legs while having a fit!  It’s not easy but I’m doing it and most importantly, it can only get easier.

I’m not a health fanatic, if I want to eat ‘bad’ food I do and have no guilt about it.  Maybe I would lose the excess weight quicker if I was a health fanatic  But would I be happy?  No.  So I would still be unhealthy just in a different way.  To me happiness, or maybe a better word would be contentedness, is everything.  I will be healthy when I’m happy with who I am and how I feel about myself.  I have a weight in mind that I want to get to but the more important goal for me is being fit and feeling fit.  I’m never going to want to run a marathon but a 5k would be nice, or maybe just to get on my horse ride him and not feel like a ball of unbalanced jelly.

And on that thought,  I’m away to have an ice cream in the sun and most of all enjoy it.


Me, me, me ….

I find job hunting extremely painful, like many people do.  The process of selling yourself embarrasses me and sends me into a panic, I cannot for the life of me big myself up.  Selling other people, no problem.  In the past during my own interview I have been selling someone else who in the end got the job.  I’m that good at doing it.  I suppose that’s one of the reasons I love the main way of interviewing in my industry, we do a working interview.  Whether it be a couple of days or a month you can get a feel for the place, the people, the animals and let you work ethic and abilities do the talking for you.  Not much verbal selling needed here.

Basically I need to stop underestimating myself, my knowledge and abilities.  I need to sell, sell, sell.  I need to jump up and down on the spot going me, me, me.  Be able to say you need me and your yard cannot function without me.  To have the confidence to walk in to an interview and say “you need not look any further, here I am”.

Sadly, I find, what should be the ‘easy’ things in life are by far the hardest.

Self belief 0: Underestimation 1



So in my first post I thought I would introduce you to my therapy.  I am extremely lucky to have these two in my life.  I find that even spending even 5 minutes in there presence calms me down and there is nothing better in my eyes than being able to spend the whole day with them.  I love the fact that they don’t judge me; don’t care if i’m crying my eyes out and most of all they listen to whatever I say and don’t reply with “buck up” or “pull it together”.

So first of all we have Beauty, or B to her friends. So how to describe the best pony in the world …DSC_1573  This lovely little lady is the first horse my family ever bought and has been with us for 21 years.  She’s an Irish cob who turned 28 this year.  Every member of my family
has ridden her at one point and I was the lucky one to never out grow her (the bonus of being a short ass in a tall family!).  Last summer I made the hard decision to retire this awesome pony and she is now a beautiful field ornament who wants for nothing.  She also hates a camera and is extremely difficult to get a good photo of!


Next we have my big gentle giant MaestroMix, or M to his friends.  Yes we have a thing about using letters as names!  He is my dreamDSC_1594 horse, a 17hh grey Thoroughbred.  I’ve owned him for a nearly a year and finally feel that we are getting some where with our education.  he’s such a lovely horse to be around and I’m extremely grateful to have in my life.  I’m very excited for our future together and have big dreams for us both.  I’m not one to normally believe in fate, but I do believe he was supposed to be in my life and knew he was mine when I first saw his advert, no other horse stood a chance!

I feel so incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to have both of these horses in my life and to be members of my family.  To me there are no better horses in the world.  You can keep your Valegro’s, I’ve got my dream horses.